Sigh. It’s been too long.

I know! It’s the holidays! This is sooo bad. But I need an Inner Bitch Moment. Comin’ up, amigos!

It’s June 2011. I had just gotten home from the first (and only) date I had with a  guy I had met online. (I can feel you all rolling your eyes. I hardly blame you.) He happened to matriculate at my alma mater, which was kind of known as a party school. So he thought I was of a certain caliber. Being a rather diligent student in undergrad, I ended up disappointing him. Poor baby.

I went home, channeled my inner Maggie Mallone, and here we are!

If I had any musical talent, I would record this (and “What I Want”–what? Soon, promise). But oh well.

____________

“I Am Not the One You Want”

Wanna give you this PSA
It’s just better before

I wear too many layers
When the temperature starts to soar
In the middle of the party
I want a corner where I can snore
Oh surprise, you find yourself
Talking me into acting like a whore (Spoken: It’s been a while, damn!)
But when it gets
To the sticking point I’m just a bore

Here’s the news flash
You’ll get it when your head’s out of your ass
I am not the one you want

I can use
Twenty-dollar words I learned in school
But if you wanna get ahead
You’re not gonna use me as a tool
Try and get me mad
I’ve got a handle on this glacier cool (Spoken: You done lost your mind)
Mama taught me well
So I won’t stoop to act a damn fool

Here’s the real —-
Maybe if you open your eyes it would transmit
I am not the one you want

So walk on
I’m looking for an actual man
You’re mistaken
‘Cause you’re really less than
Anything I want
Is gonna do more than entertain (Spoken: Aw, that’s really cute)
And I don’t have the time
To sit through anything you’re gonna feign

Here’s the deal, love
I’m getting zilch in the sec it takes you to come
You are not the one I want

Don’t be upset
With this verisimilitude
It’s constructed
From the stink of your attitude
So excuse me
If I possess this sudden latitude (Spoken: On my level–please!)
If you left right now
We could end on an air of gratitude

One more time, just to make it done
You are not the one
I am not the one you want

I am not the one you want